Thoughts
by floro13
Summary: A short insight into the mind of one who stands by the graves of his best friends.


**Disclaimer: I sadly, unfortunately, regrettably, deplorably, lamentedly own absolutely nothing. Except my crazy plot-twisting fairy. She rocks.**

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It's my fault.

Those were the only thoughts running through my head that day, the day I thought my life had all but come to an end. Of course the sensible brain cell is telling me otherwise, but survivors' guilt cannot be swayed.

They were my best friends. Every single one of them dear to me in a way that words can barely express.

James- noble, brave, incredibly stubborn. His mischievousness was matched only by Sirius, and between them I have witnessed probably the best pranks ever to have taken place at Hogwarts. Of course the day the Slytherins were served slugs instead of cottage pie will always have a special place in my heart…

_Peter_- quiet, studious, funny in his own way. He was never quite one of us, but I admired him for trying, and in a way it was refreshing. He used to owl me every day during the holidays, asking what I was doing and how I was feeling, sometimes asking for help with his work. It was nice to be appreciated, to know that someone cared…

**Sirius**- loud, boisterous, loyal. Amazingly loyal. He once took three lashes by the Whomping Willow just to get me out after a transformation. He told me later he didn't need to see in any more pain than he'd already seen me go through the previous night. He, on the other hand, had broken three ribs in the process. It's a wonder Madam Pomfrey didn't reserve him his own bed in the Hospital Wing. What with the Willow and his somewhat erratic skills as a Beater, he was in there at least twice a week!

Lily. My Lily. She was… perfect. I always envied James for that, but I never told him. Lily was the kindest and most considerate person I have ever had the fortune to know. We used to walk together when we were doing prefect duty- she would rant about how much she hated James, I would tell her that her hair looked fine green. But that day she found out about me, the day she worked it out… when the other Marauders found out, they thought it was exciting, adventurous. True, they were a little scared at first, but it took them no time to overcome that. Lily, she just smiled. She smiled and held my hand. I'll never know which of us cried first but we literally sat in the Room of Requirement sobbing for about two hours!

Lily was there for me at a time when no-one else was. There had been a fight in our common room, between who is anyone's guess. Of course, being the pacifist as ever, I tried to break everything up. Sirius (who had decided to join the brawl for the sheer hell of it) accidentally punched me and broke my jaw. And they laughed, he and Peter and James. I know they probably didn't realise how much pain I was in, but they still laughed. I didn't speak to them for a fortnight. Of course, within that fortnight, the full moon came and, for the first time since fifth year, they refuse to come with me. But she did. Not many people knew she had the gift of being an animagus too, although of course she had done it all legally! She was the most glorious red fox, and she lay with me in the Shrieking Shack the whole night, despite the terror I knew she was feeling. That night I realised why she had been placed of Gryffindor instead of any other house.

My friends, every one of them, had been taken from me. And I was left with the raging guilt, burning inside me day and night. The guilt that I never offered to be their secret keeper, that I barely saw tem after they went into hiding. The cold and overwhelming dread that night I knew something had gone terribly, horribly wrong. I believe the only thing that kept me sane was the knowledge that Harry was alive and safe, although where he was Dumbledore would never tell me.

And so here I stand in Godric's Hollow, staring at the cold stone epitaphs that are all that remains of my dearest friends. Except these memories and thoughts. You were the ones I really lost, and a piece of me will always be buried there with you, never to come back.

James, Prongs dear man. Take care of Lily- she deserved you in the end. Although you should know I was always wildly jealous!

Lily, my foxy lady! You will be missed always…

Forgive me.

It was my fault.

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Hey guys- not entirely sure where this came from! Was just listening to depressing music and this scene popped into my head. I haven't as yet decided whether this is before or after Sirius is found to be innocent… you can decide for yourselves!**

**So did ya like it? Did ya did ya did ya! You know how to let me know…!**

**R xxx**


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